Musings of the mind
by Kokkoro no Ookami
Summary: I suck at summaries. Basically Iruka musing to himself.


**K-kun: Hello peeps! K here with another one shot!**

**Iruka: Oh god she made another!**

**K-kun:Yeppers! Oh! Allow me to explain, I've already made one fic in the Saiyuki section, an angsty one shot songfic, I made another fic in the FMA section, it's AU Elricest, and now I'm going for my favorite thing, Kaka/Iru!**

**Iruka: And that's why I'm here?**

**K-kun: Yup! Why else would you be here?**

**Iruka: To comfort you about the winter quarter for gaming?**

**K-kun: -sniff- Don't remind me…SO MANY LOVELY GAMES! THE HORROR!**

**Iruka: She does this in the other two fics as well.**

**K-kun: Just…just say the disclaimer TT**

**Iruka:-sigh-Disclaimer: Kokoro no Ookami does not, in any shape or form, own 'Naurto', It belongs to it's respective owner, Masashi Kishimoto, whom K worships, along with her daily worship of CLAMP , Kazuya Minekura, and Hiromu Arakawa. Which, she sobs uncontrollably if you mention any of their series. She also doesn't own XXXHolic, that's CLAMPs.-sobbing is heard from the corner-**

**K-kun:-sniffle-Thanks Iruka-san, I'll say the warning.**

**Iruka: Your welcome. Just _try_ not to degrade my character too much.**

**K-kun: I'll try! Warning: The same that usually applies when reading yaoi, two men loving each other, if you don't like it, then don't read it. Thoughts of death, but not suicidal, just musings on what awaits at the end of the road. Oh! My mind tends to try and not dwell on the subject for too long so expect a transition to something else a little happier halfway through, it will go back in the end, but slightly. All in Iruka's POV by the way. And no spoilers, it's AU, Sasuke never defected to Sound. No point of view at one point**

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_I've always wondered, what is it like, at the end of the road? I know in the life of a shinobi, it could happen anytime, and I know it won't happen to me for years to come but what would it **feel **like? That's all I really want to know. So many questions to ask, so many forever unanswered, because few can actually say they died and came back, and even then, it was probably nothing more than a thought produced by a poison laced Kunai. _(A/N: He he he…wasn't thinking to clearly)

_Will I get into the Heaven? Hell? Fuck, who am I fooling, if it isn't my line of work that gets me in hell, then it's obviously my bed partner. A man liking, and sleeping with, another man will surely get me sent to Hell in a hand basket. But it's not like people **choose **who they fall in love with, it just happens. Like if someone said I just **chose **to fall in love with the famous Sharingan Kakashi, they would be totally wrong. _

_To fall in love with someone. I would always ponder this when I was younger, along with the thoughts and prospect of Death. I found falling in love wasn't a choice like I had a previously said, no, it just **happened. **I don't remember what led to it, all that I do remember is one minute we're fighting about something irrelevant, mostly on my part, I was already stressed from earlier that day at the Academy. _(A/N: Only time, maybe one more, that I'll mention Konoha Academy, I really don't like describing it) _And the next he's told me he loves me and I'm lost for words, I just smiled and kissed him teasingly on the cheek, I was also a little nervous, you'd be too if a **guy (**a guy you hate mind you just told you he loved you spur of the moment in the middle of an argument. It took awhile on my part but I finally realized I was in love with him, this was also during the middle of target practice, I also just **happened** to be in the middle of the target range, unfortunately, one of the students, Zashiki-chan**(1)** I think, hit me in a fatal spot, it was sheer luck (or was it now that I think back) that Kakashi was there, when I woke up they told me that Kakashi (I was out for a day) had just teleported right in the middle of the waiting room extremely frantic and covered in my blood and demanding immediate attention. After that I decided I loved this man more than anything and was determined to show him that, he was the one who ended up showing **me** that in the end though._

_So here we are now, a year later in mine and Kakashi's shared apartment, musing to myself about all that has happened between us, and those around us, who knew Naruto would end up falling for Sasuke, and that Sasuke would love him back, and willingly be the uke of the relationship (I was told, in detail, by two sources, the 'witness' to the crime, and the accused himself, over ramen no less) about our relationship, where it will go, will it even last? Neither of us really knows the answer, but I do know this; I couldn't live without him. I'm not saying I'd be like some distraught widow and cry and eventually go crazy over my lost lover, not at all, I just wouldn't **live** anymore, I couldn't live, not without him there. I'd be a shell, not really alive but still there. I would kill myself if Kakashi ever did die, he'd probably do the same if it were me, but even as I say it to myself, I know, we never could really do it, we both know it would be the cowards way out, the fast escape of the endless sorrow we'd feel if the other died **(A/N: I hope that made sense)**. So what waits at the end of the road is still a mystery, will he or I be redeemed in the end? Will we be reincarnated? Whatever it is I can wait for the answer, now that I have someone other than the boy who's like a son to me, no, he **is **my son, the one I can never give Kakashi anyway, and Kakashi himself, to tie me here, keeping me from ever finding that out before I should._

"Iruka? Are you coming?"

"Yeah Kakashi, just give me a second."

And with that he put away the journal he kept since the day after Kyuubi's defeat, and went to have another 'busy' night with Kakashi. Forgetting about his musings in the journal until he needed to write in it again. But that wouldn't be for a while probably.

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K-kun: Well? -is apprehensive about this one-

Iruka: Well, my first question would probably be, why did I have a journal? And why didn't you specify that at the start?

K-kun: Good questions! I really didn't think of the journal concept till the end, and I wanted to hint that you had the journal for a specific reason, since you wrote down what you feel, hint 1 by the way.

Iruka: I see, and a pretty good play on the Father figure/Son relationship by the way.

K-kun: Thanks; I wanted to draw the line on my opinions there, since people apparently forget the concept of Father figure/Son relationships in Anime/Manga. I'm not bashing, just saying, a lot of people tend to forget that all main characters have at least ONE Parent figure, which would never really cross the yaoi line, I don't like people forgetting that.

Iruka: Even if you DO have a Shota obsession.

K-kun: Yeah even if I---HEY! You said you wouldn't tell!

Iruka: I lied. D

K-kun: Damn ninjas…where's Kakashi? He'll straighten this out.-goes to find him-

Iruka: SHIT!-attempts to catch up- Oh! Zashiki-chan was a reference to the Zashiki Warashi that was in XXXHolic and who had a crush on Watanuki, the main character. Remember, She's a review whore, Flames are used in her Sasu foods, and Constructive (Helping her out) criticism is welcome with open arms.


End file.
